tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post1427709092304442815..comments2023-10-11T04:09:53.564-07:00Comments on materfamilias writes: Transitions and/in Friendshipmaterfamiliashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-87125276857596411512016-07-29T10:36:47.627-07:002016-07-29T10:36:47.627-07:00I was shy enough at times when I was young, and I ...I was shy enough at times when I was young, and I can be even now in some circumstances, but I've got a very solid toolkit of social skills developed through parenting and grad school and teaching and serving on committees, etc. But I'm enough of an introvert that exercising those social skills is wearing. You don't need to wish me luck but if you could send me a magic source of energy . . . .materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-22471018854866845392016-07-29T10:31:39.533-07:002016-07-29T10:31:39.533-07:00😊✒️😊✒️materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-47605020757965085012016-07-17T10:30:07.139-07:002016-07-17T10:30:07.139-07:00Friendship...as I get older I value it more and mo...Friendship...as I get older I value it more and more but I don't generally worry about it. I have been reconnecting with very old friends (great fun) and keeping up with current pals. I tend to make chums in all different areas of my life and few of them overlap - only one has actually met all the different groups of friends over the years - and that suits me fine. When I was young I was very shy indeed but forced myself not to be, helped by copying the tactics of more confident mates (hard to find different words for friends...) and found that worked brilliantly. Now I can't really remember what being shy felt like. I bet you look back in a year or so and smile to remember your anxieties about new starts. The best thing about making new connections? Knowing you will never, ever again have to get on the dinner party circuit. Oh.My.God....how I hated those days. Good luck, Mater! Get chattin'!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-72924372044636551012016-07-14T12:07:16.031-07:002016-07-14T12:07:16.031-07:00Isabelle and Mater, thank you so much for this. I ...Isabelle and Mater, thank you so much for this. I feel that a careful use of a conjunction can be very effective but had it drummed into me by Miss A (MA (Oxon)) that beginning a sentence so is just not acceptable. But when Prof B (PhD (UCLA)) reviewed my work 40 years later she'd add them in. That said, English was not her mother tongue . Was wondering whether it is a transatlantic difference or just a case of the language moving on. <br /><br />Thank you both for your input Ceri in Bnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-76544816096552069582016-07-14T07:24:03.617-07:002016-07-14T07:24:03.617-07:00I hope you don't mind that I've used an ex...I hope you don't mind that I've used an excerpt from this in my latest post -- very effectively articulated. These sentences resonate . . . materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-10860853410156033992016-07-14T07:22:46.163-07:002016-07-14T07:22:46.163-07:00Thank you for so many kind words, Isabelle, and fo...Thank you for so many kind words, Isabelle, and for offering us the example of your mother. Mine was so very shy and ever so introverted, and yet longed for friendships -- we're so different, but her example shadows me. It's refreshing to know that other possibilities exist, and it also nudges me toward perhaps more "signing-up" than I might naturally be wont to, just so that I veer more toward that path than to my mom's.<br />adding my P.S. to Ceri to yours: I know Isabelle "IRL" and she's worked as a professional editor. If she says you can begin with a conjunction, go for it! ;-)materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-1990192194888789152016-07-13T07:58:02.350-07:002016-07-13T07:58:02.350-07:00I read this post a few days ago, when you first wr...I read this post a few days ago, when you first wrote it, but didn't feel equipped to comment at that time. It has been a busy place since! I am not an introvert, but not hugely extrovert either. I became quite good at makimg friends as a child, because we moved all the time. I changed school eight or nine times in my 12 years of schooling, and that was really tough. I have moved less frequently as an adult, but the hardest move was when I moved to live with my boyfriend (now husband). I knew no-one, and was also wrestling with how to become a live-in partner, never having been one before. I knew, however, that leaning exclusively on my partner for my social life was not a good idea, and joined a gym, as well as a couple of evening classes. Nevertheless I was very lonely, mainly because I made no friends at work, where my only collegue was a woman much older than me, with whom I had almost nothing in common. I remember a few painful afternoons when I invited potential friends to meet for coffee, or come to an exhibition with me, but these friendships never flourished. Things eventually improved when I changed job, and the path of friendships ran smooth again, as there were many more people in that workplace, and natural groups and friendships flourished. Essentially makimg friends is just about reaching out, but without becoming emotionally flayed in the process. Keeping and nurturing meaningful friendships is about revealing more, within a more developed relationship, and finding that it resonates with the other person, and of course that doesn't happen with every friend, and it would be a bit exhausting if it did. Maturity helps. I am really looking forward to reading about the friendships you make in this new phase XPennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03174324346613155013noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-47627696502729833982016-07-12T14:17:12.021-07:002016-07-12T14:17:12.021-07:00My shock at the casual cruelty of Anon's comme...My shock at the casual cruelty of Anon's comments blew my original response out the window. Blogs allow such easy access to a fabricated personality: upbeat, accomplished, perfect. I have often wondered how the friends and family of those bloggers feels about events they witnessed/shared whitewashed beyond recognition. You insist on being emotionally honest, which is why this blog is read and reread.<br /><br />As for making friends in retirement, I plan to take a page from my 92 year old mother. She signed up for things that interested her. When she began to feel a little resentment from the wives of fellow dancers in her dance group (as a widow, someone always had to lend a husband for her to dance with),she moved on to a hiking group. When the vigorous leader of her group died and the new leader walked too slowly for her liking, she added a second, faster-paced hiking group to her list. (Not wanting to lose contact with the friends she'd made in the first, but wanting to keep up her exercise.) She also signed up for things she felt needed her: soup kitchens, homeless shelters...she just booked in her shifts and discovered another level of the city she'd retired to, and a connection to a spectrum of ages.<br /><br />I can't see that you will have a problem. You are so alive, intellectually and emotionally, to the world around you, who wouldn't find a chat with you fascinating?<br /><br />P.S. to Ceri. Beginning with a conjunction can pack a lot of punch when used deliberately (as a rhetorical fragment). To paraphrase a favourite song lyric: "I still believe in love. But not with you". (Believe the actual words are "Just not with you") so you can see what a kicker those fragments can deliver. <br /><br /><br />Isabellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-66616252685173738112016-07-12T07:39:30.471-07:002016-07-12T07:39:30.471-07:00And thank you as well, Kathleen. I think if we all...And thank you as well, Kathleen. I think if we all had as much support as I'm finding here, fewer of us would have to write unhappy anonymous notes. . . materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-33445911444356091132016-07-12T07:37:11.802-07:002016-07-12T07:37:11.802-07:00Loretta/Mrs. Pom: Thanks for the kind words -- We ...Loretta/Mrs. Pom: Thanks for the kind words -- We are so lucky in our choices, aren't we, and yet, being human, we still sometimes hurt. . . Good luck with your move, and I do hope you're budgeting for travel back to the kids regularly -- that part is much tougher than moving away from the kids!materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-87933649930682748832016-07-11T18:37:51.221-07:002016-07-11T18:37:51.221-07:00Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Also, th...Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Also, thank you for this blog.<br />Janeanonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06011845556672752198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-35299301200610343902016-07-11T18:36:53.600-07:002016-07-11T18:36:53.600-07:00Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Also, th...Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Also, thank you for this blog.<br />Janeanonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06011845556672752198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-21951016027089701972016-07-11T13:04:38.367-07:002016-07-11T13:04:38.367-07:00I am late to this too. First, anonymity reveals a ...I am late to this too. First, anonymity reveals a blatant lack of accountability. Second, I wonder if this person has read the posts in which you grappled with a terrifying diagnosis for a child, or when you lost a parent and an in-law? <br /><br />Sometimes someone does think you (or I or anyone else) has her head up her butt. (I like it when the blog world isn't only a compliment harvester.) But I wish a specific, logical discussion of the difference, not an ad hominem attack. <br /> Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-53013472801145962332016-07-10T17:40:52.943-07:002016-07-10T17:40:52.943-07:00Very late to this "party" but I couldn&#...Very late to this "party" but I couldn't disagree more with anon. I'm a few months behind the same transition you are going through and find you to be refreshingly honest and forthright about the anxiety, depression, happiness, and confusion, all rolled into one. Thank you, for giving voice to this strange time of life. I feel guilty sometimes that I am so lucky to have choices but still am so torn. It's human emotions. When it gets hard for me, I often think, well mater moved off AN ISLAND. The only difference is that I am facing moving 4 hours away from kids and that just won't do!Loretta a/k/a Mrs. Pomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04214167409578390500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-9547598960183497642016-07-10T13:13:13.103-07:002016-07-10T13:13:13.103-07:00I knew exactly what you meant -- you were secondin...I knew exactly what you meant -- you were seconding my friends' comments, not Anon's, and I thank you for your support.<br />As for beginning sentences with conjunctions, despite what we may have been taught in grade school, all the best writers do so, although you'll likely find they do so judiciously. <br />However you begin your sentences, your sense of humour is clearly intact -- and much appreciated 'round these parts ;-)materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-21281036602622695182016-07-10T12:51:07.625-07:002016-07-10T12:51:07.625-07:00Conjunctions, I meant conjunctions. (I think) Who ...Conjunctions, I meant conjunctions. (I think) Who knows what they're called. I mean sentences beginning with But or And or Because. <br /><br />And what the heck because when I reread my opening sentence I realised that I'd mangled all the clauses so thoroughly that it could be read that I was seconding Anon's comments, not seconding those of your supporters. Absolutely not the case. I'm with the majority, mean girl sniping has no place in the adult world. <br /><br />Anyway. I'm abandoning the use of English for a bit as I am making a mess of it, right, left, and centre. Ceri in Bnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-80678746097759814032016-07-10T10:56:57.696-07:002016-07-10T10:56:57.696-07:00Jane, you're not "butting in" but jo...Jane, you're not "butting in" but joining in, and you're very, very welcome in this space. Both myself and, I'm quite sure, Murphy, appreciate knowing that someone else has gone through a similar experience and moved on from it. Thank you!materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-90017234575688487562016-07-10T10:46:59.850-07:002016-07-10T10:46:59.850-07:00I think that what you and Lynn have experienced fa...<br />I think that what you and Lynn have experienced factored into my impulse to move. While I registered a falling-off in friendships during my last few working years as being due to my work (too busy, not even time to nurture social life) I think another element might have been that those friendships were changing anyway. If I'd had more time for them, I might still have found that they were less and less of a fit on both sides. Food for thought.<br /><br />As for grammar. . . keep in mind that my scholarship, such as it is, is properly in Canadian literature rather than in grammar, although it's probably fair to expect I'd have a good handle on the latter. . . But. . . <br />Do you mean sentences beginning with conjunctions, or sentences ending with prepositions? I've never heard of an objection to beginning with a preposition (Up on the hill, the trees were wind-sculpted.) Generally, I think all of those prescriptive rules should yield to a certain amount of common sense and some deference to the ear. . . Clarity should be the gauge, imho.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-60799317988406884132016-07-10T08:58:43.798-07:002016-07-10T08:58:43.798-07:00Sorry for butting into this conversation but I wan...Sorry for butting into this conversation but I wanted to say that I found it comforting to know that other people go through this too. I have experienced the same and struggled with whether to just let the friendship go. In the end, I did and moved on to make new friendships. Life goes on.<br />Janeanonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06011845556672752198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-57368613079517546902016-07-09T23:30:52.844-07:002016-07-09T23:30:52.844-07:00All I can add to the comments of your other friend...All I can add to the comments of your other friends here re Anon's bizarre remarks is first to second them, and second to repeat what I think I have already said here, viz - there are scores of perfect life blogs out there. When it comes down to it they are all eye candy and while I enjoy a virtual browse through a beautiful garden, elegant house, stylish wardrobe and all the rest of it, too much of the sugary stuff and I begin to feel a bit sick. You temper the sweetness with the I hesitate to say sour but it fits with the analogy. It is that honesty which makes your blog real and it is that which makes your many readers feel a connection with you. Please don't stop.<br /><br />Re friendships - Lynn above has summarised very well what I am currently finding. Not so long ago I had lots of friends - some more coffee chums than pals of the bosom - but as the children have grown the contacts have indeed dwindled. I too feel a need to find new friends even though I have lived here 30 years. Not because I dislike the group of friend that I do have - on the contrary, they are splendid women - but because I feel that there are more out there that I'd like to meet. And I don't want to find my field of vision narrowing. <br /><br />And while I'm at it - where do you stand on sentences beginning with prepositions? Goes against the grain with me but can sound effective - new development in written English or completely verboten?Ceri in Bnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-7730334521684604812016-07-09T09:04:16.713-07:002016-07-09T09:04:16.713-07:00What fun! Laurie - I will be in the DuPont Circle ...What fun! Laurie - I will be in the DuPont Circle area on Wed July 20 - any chance we could meet-up mid-afternoon? Between 3 - 5 pm? And how about a reply to dorothyajeffress(at)gmail.com. Thank you for your gracious reply.<br />Dorothy Jeffresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03543883119361063140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-79157727917127581792016-07-09T08:25:45.207-07:002016-07-09T08:25:45.207-07:00Thanks Lynn L. -- I think you touch on a phenomeno...Thanks Lynn L. -- I think you touch on a phenomenon that might be fairly common, the transition that can happen in friendships in these "certain" years even if we don't move. I watched this with both my parents and Pater's -- as you say, friends move away, the friendships we've made through our children no longer quite fit without those (adult) kids around, and the move away from the workplace can change our own focus so that it's harder to mesh with friends from Before. <br />And the other thing you cite that I suspect is common to others (at least, it certainly is to me) is that "the dwindling group of friends bothers me more than my husband." Mine will admit that he's benefited enormously through our married life from the efforts I've made to keep our social lives satisfying. But he's generally content to be much more happenstance about making much effort himself. . . .This division of social labour in relationships might be another topic worth exploringmaterfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-28200618806436185482016-07-09T08:18:29.693-07:002016-07-09T08:18:29.693-07:00;-) 👏;-) 👏materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-26608323520302781702016-07-09T08:18:00.642-07:002016-07-09T08:18:00.642-07:00Extroverts welcome here too! ;-)
Thank you for th...Extroverts welcome here too! ;-) <br />Thank you for the supportive words -- much appreciated. And thanks for sharing your experience in making friends as an ex-pat. I've heard something like this before about the challenges of making social inroads in various cultures -- some are so much better than others. I think you're so smart, though, to keep making that effort. I know that many in your situation might tend to rely on fellow ex-pats for friends, but I imagine you'll have a richer experience there if you have both.<br />I'm also nodding at your insistence on making time for one-on-one visits with individual girlfriends. I love the group convos, but there is no substitute, imo, for the listening and sharing that can happen between just two. The room for silence, for hearing moods. . . <br />And the snail mail! I have one or two good friends who do this, and I continue to resolve to do better myself. . . I lost the beautiful pen my in-laws gave me for one of my degrees, and I've been meaning to get another. Might try to join you . . . ;-)<br />Happy weekend!materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-67496201241849831562016-07-09T08:08:24.790-07:002016-07-09T08:08:24.790-07:00Ha, trust a family to come up with a nickname like...Ha, trust a family to come up with a nickname like that! Does your family recognise your propensity to cancel arises out of a parallel tendency to Take On Too Much?!<br />Thank you for the encouragement about friendship-making (not only here, but in actually becoming friends with me!). Interestingly, I'm feeling so much better about the possibilities now that the move has become a reality (first step, anyway). And I love your closing thought here, something my friend Sandy (see above) and I talked about over lunch recently, having only recently become friends, as you and I have. materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.com