Hard on myself? A plethora of noisy inner voices that acknowledge I do a number of things fairly well, but make it clear that's a failure. Far better to focus on any single competence and aim for some kind of greatness rather than spread mediocrity around. See? Nasty, right?
It's very true that I haven't had/found/made enough time lately to push my manuscripts ahead, and that if I grab an hour or two for writing, I'm more likely to spend it here. It's also true I haven't settled into drawing or painting for even a sustained hour for at least a couple of weeks.
But why this push to a certain kind of accomplishment? Why not trust that gathering happens, that fallow is productive? I spent 60-some years picking up the certificates and the diplomas and the degrees, and if I want to go sideways or in circles or even just sit very still for a while, that's okay. Might be better than okay.
Ditto for blog direction. If random and haphazard is where I find myself, why not trust that eventually, as Kim Stafford claims, "coherence is born of random abundance."
This past week, the Random Abundance has included a ferry ride to visit a friend, a 15-kilometre bike ride to a favourite destination where we walked a few more kilometres to see the salmon spawning--and had the bonus of watching a mink land a fish she'd just caught. We saw a brilliant performance of two contemporary ballet works -- gorgeous! I had a French class and we took our Italian class. We checked out stunning ceramic work in an exhibition in which "21 Artists Explore Gender and Relationships in Clay." Started and have almost finished knitting the second sleeve to my wildly striped sweater. And I stretched my body back into alignment with some great music in the company of several other bodies all guided by a generous and encouraging trainer. Walked along the waterfront at night, city lights shining back from the dark liquid surface, holding my guy's hand (both of us wearing our leather gloves against the frost). . . .
Distractions against creative achievement? Or if I could learn to live more fully in the moments, would that be the creative achievement?
Oh, you know, the usual Monday wittering and maundering. . . .
Leaving the words for the pictures now, here's what I wore for that ferry ride and lunch with a friend. Black turtleneck (thick cashmere, so delicious against the chill, even if the colour is sombre) and black merino knit pants. . . .
Katy Biele-embroidered earrings, my metallic shoes, and my orange watch strap. . .
This sun clock at the lakeside park we visit regularly (Burnaby Lake Regional Park) is surprisingly accurate, and the November shadow is demonstrably long. . . .
Coherence? Perhaps not yet. But I'm aiming. . . .
Happy Monday -- your comments or waves encourage me to continue wittering and maundering here -- so think carefully ;-) Is that really what you want to do?