tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post4266715101235104822..comments2023-10-11T04:09:53.564-07:00Comments on materfamilias writes: Work-Life Balance, Childcare, Generational Change: A Nana considers. . . materfamiliashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-2235005078933532052013-10-20T08:00:09.045-07:002013-10-20T08:00:09.045-07:00Given how much all of us benefit from seeing the n...Given how much all of us benefit from seeing the next generation raised well, I'd say we might hurry up and get better, more widely available child care happening. My granddaughter spent 3 years in a wonderful facility with well-educated caregivers, specially trained in Early Childhood Education. This weekend's Globe and Mail (a leading Canadian newspaper) has a great article on Quebec's huge social experiment with affordable day care -- the economics appear to benefit everyone, not just parents. materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-51315751664117629612013-10-19T13:05:36.769-07:002013-10-19T13:05:36.769-07:00Surely the measure of any society should be how it...Surely the measure of any society should be how it looks after the vulnerable.....the very young,the old ,the disabled.Whose job is it ?<br />Having a family in the seventies we made the choice & took the responsibility without the expectation of grandparents carrying the load.I don/t remember expecting much .me time. But I do remember caring for aging grandparents <br /> as well.<br />So what is new? Who cares enough to be trusted with the vulnerable ? The nursery......the care home ...the poorly educated /paid minder.??<br />In the U.K. there is also a huge argument about good enough child care where a child was kidnapped while well educated parents were enjoying a holiday meal in a restaurant nearby.<br />The message will always be the same ...life is all about choices ..take the best care possible.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-90093833322478777202013-10-17T13:28:11.707-07:002013-10-17T13:28:11.707-07:00So interesting! Imagine your mother and Jennifer&#...So interesting! Imagine your mother and Jennifer's (Above, Well-Styled) meeting. I wonder what they would have thought or said of the other's choices. It was a time when the binaries were so much more strictly inscribed, and it's amazing, really, that we've got here from there, even if we still have a ways to go. . . . I suspect that your experience is a sharper version of what still filters down, somehow, and can be seen in the working-through my daughter and I were, and perhaps still are, doing. materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-5869823430944005192013-10-17T13:25:19.914-07:002013-10-17T13:25:19.914-07:00Funny to remember a time, so relatively recently, ...Funny to remember a time, so relatively recently, when it was strange to have a mother who worked full-time. Do you know what she felt about that?<br />As for being brave, after reading a poem about sex to my two 1st-year classes yesterday, the post doesn't seem that brave! ;-) 18-year-olds are a tougher crowd. . . .materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-56006141070408204152013-10-17T09:34:34.163-07:002013-10-17T09:34:34.163-07:00What a lovely and timely post. My mother was a SAH...What a lovely and timely post. My mother was a SAHM, and once I was in school even I could tell she was so bored (I'm an only child). She joined book clubs and sewed all of our clothes, but she became far too involved in the details of my life. I was thrilled when she went back to college to finish her degree when I was in high school, but those early years distorted our relationship. It was interesting to me that she was upset that I continued to work after my children were born -- almost as if the work was a direct criticism of her choice. My choice was informed by my interpretation of her SAHM experience as well as practical needs, but I never felt critical of her. I do so wish we could just support each family's choices and work to let more families have a choice in how to rear their families. LynnAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-59440629736374327342013-10-17T07:10:39.291-07:002013-10-17T07:10:39.291-07:00I was looking at your comment not through the lens...I was looking at your comment not through the lens of how a mother influences a daughter, but how support enables a woman to meet the exacting demands of the workplace Sandberg inhabits.<br /><br />Sandberg's champtions women's participation, fully and equally, in the workplace. I like that. However, I am skeptical that many women can do so in •in corporate settings• like hers, having worked for some of these, among other multinationals. The corporate world's favourite buzzword these days is "engagement"; they continually ask employees (not just women) to do more with less, especially with all the cutbacks. Such demands are stressful for parents working full time, without the extended family to give emergency backup or a break.<br /><br />Though global corporations have progressive "family-friendly" policies, and receive accolades for them, the actual managers override those (IME regularly, sometimes with apology, sometimes not), citing deadlines, client demands and profit targets. <br /><br />Your university and your daughter's employer may be more respectful employers. Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-68413035902343229722013-10-17T07:04:42.157-07:002013-10-17T07:04:42.157-07:00My mother went back to work full time when I was 6...My mother went back to work full time when I was 6, which no ones else's mother did, who I knew. It felt strange, but not bad. I was a SAHM until my children were out of high school and off to college. I was lucky to be able to do that. My husband and I wanted it that way and we were fortunate to be able to afford it. My daughter and daughter in law will both likely choose to go back to work soon after giving birth. I support whatever choices they make, and am hyper sensitive about how I phrase my thoughts on their choices. Great piece. My, you are a brave woman to put these issues out for all to read. I'm not as brave. Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04723360304687997220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-6794023195103119932013-10-16T19:59:13.472-07:002013-10-16T19:59:13.472-07:00Yes, I think it's a real luxury -- we had a bi...Yes, I think it's a real luxury -- we had a bit of it for a very few years ourselves, and I'm so pleased to be able to offer more to our guys.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-7312317259374068882013-10-16T19:57:46.330-07:002013-10-16T19:57:46.330-07:00I lived for many years in a small town 1000 miles ...I lived for many years in a small town 1000 miles from either of our families, with a husband who was often away for a week, sometimes two, so I know the challenges you speak of, even if I was fortunate in having a supportive husband.<br /><br />I'm not sure how you are defining "leaning" in . . . I've read Sandberg's book fairly carefully, and while I realize I'm shaping her phrase somewhat to suit my own perspective, I really can't see any indication that she disregards the challenges of a single parent. My own point in this post was more to do with the influences a mother's choices have on a daughter's, often in ways she doesn't recognize until they're in some tricky terrain. And to do with my wish that we try our best to support rather than critique other mothers, all of whom are doing a tough job no matter what they're juggling.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-34281379570597009152013-10-16T19:52:20.484-07:002013-10-16T19:52:20.484-07:00Again, so interesting to see the range of experien...Again, so interesting to see the range of experiences -- I felt, not so much criticized for being home with mine (even though I was able to work part-time, from home) as perhaps patronized for it. Again, I think that depending on resources and circumstances, we may find satisfaction in different ways -- as you say, that decision is so personal.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-77167345851725191882013-10-16T19:49:49.127-07:002013-10-16T19:49:49.127-07:00Yay for no guilt! Paul always traveled a great dea...Yay for no guilt! Paul always traveled a great deal for work, and I know he never felt guilty about it, and no one ever aimed guilt in his direction either. And your children are so wonderful that any guilt would be ridiculous!materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-63008122561138659692013-10-16T18:16:41.606-07:002013-10-16T18:16:41.606-07:00I really enjoy the back and forth between you and ...I really enjoy the back and forth between you and your daughter. I can see why the post was scary. My own feelings and issues here are complex, and involve stories not mine to tell. So we'll leave it at this...<br /><br />Go grandmothers!!! And grandfathers!! What an incredible luxury, to have family so close and so willing.LPChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18209861350905135093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-41000614835597343822013-10-16T16:07:10.120-07:002013-10-16T16:07:10.120-07:00All of our choices are circumscribed by our resour...All of our choices are circumscribed by our resources. Your daughter has a partner, and you and your husband who are more than willing to help, plus other family members nearby. Many young women have absolutely no one to hand their child to, for even an evening, unless they have the income to hire someone.<br /><br />It is very hard to lean in, if one is a single parent without family nearby, and many women face that situation. The support of family is an incalculable assist to being able to combine work and child-rearing.Duchessehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09986153653120526776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-2148936806841392832013-10-16T15:34:38.120-07:002013-10-16T15:34:38.120-07:00In my daughter's case - she is often criticize...In my daughter's case - she is often criticized for being a SAHM. I went back to work when my youngest was in the 5th grade. But always worked at job where I could take off to attend school events and act as a room mother, girl scout leader, etc. My daughter has a Masters in Education and taught middle school for 9 years (which included the first 18 months of her daughter's life - Dad stayed home and worked on his dissertation and cared for their daughter). The the second child arrived, dissertation was finished, husband got a great job and daughter decided to be a SAHM. She has been home for 4 years and loves it. She is busy, busy, busy. She says she will go back to work in a few more years - when kids aren't sick all the time, when husband doesn't have to travel so much, when the kids can stay at home when the schools close for every known (and some unknown) holiday. For now she is happy as a girl scout leader, room mother, and car pool mom. Each to his own - what ever works for your family. minghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06655969372614878927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-77114852244064696412013-10-16T14:07:08.985-07:002013-10-16T14:07:08.985-07:00I wish I had longer to leave a long and thoughtful...I wish I had longer to leave a long and thoughtful comment on this, but I'm in a hotel room attending a conference for four days, on the other side of the country to my partner and children. And you know what, I don't feel the slightest bit guilty! I've been away from home rather a lot for professional reasons lately, and in practical terms that takes some organising, but I feel that things seem to balance out quite nicely. The children see very clearly that women do important work too; I get to know that I'm in this world to do more than just nurture my children until my genes are passed on to the next generation; and my partner realises that male nurturing can be just as effective and necessary as female nurturing. And when I get home my mother will have arrived to stay with us for a week and she will admire how we manage; how I am not tied down by housework and childcare to the same extent as she was. Having said all that, I really do understand women who choose to stay at home while their children are young. Why not, if that's what they really want to do and not just what they think society expects of them?Lesleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13498909370147354617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-18224444754379866882013-10-16T12:15:02.490-07:002013-10-16T12:15:02.490-07:00I know what you mean, Susan. Considerable negotiat...I know what you mean, Susan. Considerable negotiation and collaboration went into my daughter consenting to this post -- very generously so, I must stress. It's so important to protect that privacy, isn't it?!materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-24118893982480363052013-10-16T12:13:29.066-07:002013-10-16T12:13:29.066-07:00I love the range you sketch out here, along with I...I love the range you sketch out here, along with Ilona and Leslie and Tricia. I think it's useful for our sons and daughters to see this range, to recognize the possibilities that can shift with circumstances. And yes, letting them know they are awesome without tripping over our tongues. . . . I suspect you do a wonderful job of that.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-75741097755300180102013-10-16T12:11:12.819-07:002013-10-16T12:11:12.819-07:00Thanks, Alison. I do think that thinking through t...Thanks, Alison. I do think that thinking through the personal helps to highlight the complications rather than allow us to picture those less than useful binaries. materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-63648912661823844562013-10-16T12:10:18.676-07:002013-10-16T12:10:18.676-07:00Thanks so much for such a thoughtful and open resp...Thanks so much for such a thoughtful and open response. I think you identify a real boon when you point to kids who see parents willing to do whatever needs doing -- and this can be achieved in many ways, with moms who work in or out ('cause we know all moms are working moms, right?)<br />It's true that it's not as big a deal to our children, but I sometimes see my other mom-daughter wishing she could stay home, worrying about how/whether to get back to paid work. My granddaughters, though, take it absolutely for granted that their dads will change and bathe and feed them, drop them off at daycare, play with them in the park, and that their moms will head away in the morning on the bus and then be home for dinner and a story and a snuggle. A bigger picture of options indeed.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-12104110830240900582013-10-16T12:05:15.317-07:002013-10-16T12:05:15.317-07:00Sounds as if you "leaned in" in some sig...Sounds as if you "leaned in" in some significant areas, juggling crazily all the while. Guilt is such a pain, isn't it, and I don't say that frivolously. TY for the TY to my daughter. . .materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-57919825654524578742013-10-16T11:08:50.207-07:002013-10-16T11:08:50.207-07:00I've been enjoying your work/life balance post...I've been enjoying your work/life balance posts but must refrain from commenting. I am glad in retrospect that my last comment was lost. It's not that I don't have thoughts to share but sharing them inevitably means referring to my family and they are extremely conservative when it comes to internet privacy. All I can say is thank you for these posts and thank you to your commenters for their thoughtful replies. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15711792521348799922noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-5177533202767391242013-10-16T10:15:42.047-07:002013-10-16T10:15:42.047-07:00How generous of your daughter to contribute her ex...How generous of your daughter to contribute her experience to your post. How sensitive (both positive and negative) are the interactions between a mother and daughter. <br />My mother returned to work, full time, when I was in Grade 3, because she needed to. My father was a truck driver and things were tight. I don't remember missing her being at home until late in high school when I was full of teenage angst. But I do remember sitting on my parents' bed late into the evening, talking, talking, talking, when I'm sure they were exhausted. They never let on.<br />When we had our own children, I was living overseas, in a very different situation and work wasn't an issue. I loved staying at home with the little ones, and volunteered a lot in the community after they started school. After the eldest started high school and we moved to the capital city, I began teaching. The struggle to balance life was helped by a supportive husband (and a maid). <br />Now, I have a daughter who is choosing to stay at home with her 16 month old and plans to return to teaching when she's in kindergarten, and a daughter-in-law who is working full time with an almost 3 year old and a new baby due in February. I see how tired and torn she is, in spite of having a husband who is extremely supportive. I have to be so careful in what I say so as not to cause hurt feelings for either woman. Letting both of them know that they are awesome mothers is crucial. <br />How to do that is sometimes tricky.Lorriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03653026442945027184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-60714606442448285532013-10-16T10:12:26.726-07:002013-10-16T10:12:26.726-07:00what an excellent and thoughtful post. You've ...what an excellent and thoughtful post. You've placed the greater "debate" (I would prefer to think society is having a conversation about this, but it so often gets framed in binary thinking) in the personal--the most powerful way to illustrate the fact that, as you say, that there is more than one way to raise children well. As women we need to support each other in our choices and demand that our society does as well.Alison Watthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09768315542282472901noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-29670819318553580042013-10-16T09:44:48.723-07:002013-10-16T09:44:48.723-07:00Such a thoughtful and careful post. We have the p...Such a thoughtful and careful post. We have the particular vantage point of experience that allows us to respect the variations on the theme of family life. I appreciate your sharing these observations - it can be tricky...<br />My own mother went to work when I was in the 6th grade - it was only part time but for quite a few years she was the only working mother among my circle of friends. She did it for the extra money (not for bills/support) and, I think, for her own sanity. It was a choice at that time. Her situation changed, work became a necessity and at 80 she still puts in 2 days a week.<br /> I have been both a SAHM and worked outside the home - finances influencing both situations. I loved being home. I enjoy my work. Our kids saw both options and adapted as children do. Our son and daughter were taught to do household chores like meals and laundry - they grew up seeing both parents willing to do whatever needed to be done. <br />My daughter is an RN, recently divorced with one child. She is a good mother and our pain, on her behalf, is not that she has to work, but that she has to shoulder these responsibilities alone. I look on in awe at how she juggles and manages without breaking a sweat...<br />There is a generation of young children who have never seen a desk/wall phone. And while the working/SAHM mother question is never going to be that simple it is almost a generational distinctive that our children just don't see this as a big deal. We struggled through the choices and guilt while presenting a bigger picture of options that our mothers didn't have and our daughters see as a birthright. <br />It's hard to always be carefully neutral in our comments (or facial expressions) when we care so deeply about the lives and struggles of our children but family life and working requires so much that we should make sure they know that we support their decisions and are rooting for their success at every level. Sometimes we need to remember to extend that same consideration to our own circumstances.ilonahttp://yourconsiderations.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-61321185249548967732013-10-16T08:26:34.123-07:002013-10-16T08:26:34.123-07:00I was a SAHM until both my kids were in kindergart...I was a SAHM until both my kids were in kindergarten then I worked for the school district in various capacities and even having the same hours as my children there were plenty of opportunities to be unprepared or I'll prepared. I did feel moments of guilt when asked to drive for field trips or bake and such. I was a very active parent on the PAC boards and held an officer position most if the years. I did the best juggling act that I could....and had I been employed full time I think I would have been filled with guilt. It's too bad that mom's are judged so harshly regardless of our choices there seems to always be a store clerk or another mom who think they are above us, yet I think they are just as insecure as we are.<br />A lovely post today which will resonate with most of us...thank you to your daughter for sharing. hostess of the humble bungalowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06453827257671312902noreply@blogger.com