tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post2434700100511511889..comments2023-10-11T04:09:53.564-07:00Comments on materfamilias writes: Authenticity at a Certain Age -- or The Authenticity OF a Certain Age. . . materfamiliashttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-41957732652747046772018-07-10T11:55:10.815-07:002018-07-10T11:55:10.815-07:00Missed this comment earlier, when I was in transit...Missed this comment earlier, when I was in transit I guess, Linda, and I like the way you complicate the question with reference to class and to urban/rural divides. I've been lucky to have moved in some diverse contexts in my life and your comments absolutely resonate. Some of the friends I made in a fairly remote, resource-based small town we lived in for seven years when the kids were small and some of the friends I made on our island, for example. . . materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-26586313441434303292018-05-18T19:07:42.108-07:002018-05-18T19:07:42.108-07:00slf...I agree with so much of your comment. I am a...slf...I agree with so much of your comment. I am also 69. Like you, I am "open to meeting new people and exploring where a new friendship can go." And, I am willing to let friendships go as time and circumstances dictate. I also like your statement that not all your friendships are "intense". <br />My husband and I have had this conversation. He and I are so different in our maintenance of friendships. He has his close friends (3-4) who are long, long time friends and makes time for them frequently. He keeps his circle of friends small while mine may seem large and undulating but it is not as intense as his is. It's an interesting dynamic. We each admire the characteristics of the other. <br />Charlene H Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-28052063588467182032018-05-18T11:16:07.904-07:002018-05-18T11:16:07.904-07:00Hmmm, thinking this over I realise I have always b...Hmmm, thinking this over I realise I have always been extremely conscious of authenticity in friendship, to the extent that I have always only spent time my time with people who I consider to be authentic. As a result I have a very small circle of friends and we don't need to see each other constantly to sustain that friendship. Just now I'm at an interesting stage in life in that I've moved from an intellectual city environment to a totally different rural one and am discovering potential for friendship in people who would never have been in my circle during my main career. In Britain we would talk about socio-demographic groups at this point (and really mean 'class'), and I'm busy observing myself negotiating emerging friendships with people with whom I would previously never have spent time with, city professional life being as hermetic as it is. Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11269887100694066103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-50417752717824448682018-05-18T11:06:40.336-07:002018-05-18T11:06:40.336-07:00Gosh yes, so much to think about in having authent...Gosh yes, so much to think about in having authentic relationships with one's adult children. Stopping parenting but still being available as a parent; being oneself after perhaps stepping into another persona as a person...Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11269887100694066103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-48980973849288482122018-05-18T07:26:35.230-07:002018-05-18T07:26:35.230-07:00There's definitely a judgment made in assessin...There's definitely a judgment made in assessing "authenticity." It's the word I'm hearing though, and wondering about. It seems for some, it's becoming something of a deal-maker/breaker in close friendships, at least. . . materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-76742772705315112422018-05-18T07:23:25.784-07:002018-05-18T07:23:25.784-07:00Just quickly, as I grab my suitcase (pater's u...Just quickly, as I grab my suitcase (pater's urging me to pack up): Yes, you're making sense, absolutely. I think our sorting process gets more efficient, so we can afford to be open in the initial stages of acquaintance. . .materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-55387727362139945202018-05-18T07:21:26.433-07:002018-05-18T07:21:26.433-07:00As I said to Lorrie, above, hurrying now to get ou...As I said to Lorrie, above, hurrying now to get out the door here, but just want to say thanks for commenting -- and I do, indeed, get your gist. And you point the way, in your first paragraph, to what we'll chat about next. . . materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-13242040852452705122018-05-18T07:20:17.768-07:002018-05-18T07:20:17.768-07:00Have to pack up now and head to the airport soon, ...Have to pack up now and head to the airport soon, but I wanted to acknowledge that I've read your comment -- and I recognize that place you're in of feeling at your social limit with work, but knowing you'll have to re-engage differently after retirement. . . .I suspect you'll do just fine, but it is a challenge.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-19822854347420781592018-05-18T07:18:14.531-07:002018-05-18T07:18:14.531-07:00I hope that I will continue to make friends, as yo...I hope that I will continue to make friends, as your mother did. <br />As for where I'll go next in this discussion, a few commenters have already shifted in that direction. . . .but again, it comes from hearing another friend use this word "authentic/ity"<br />materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-63721103863441866732018-05-18T07:13:41.462-07:002018-05-18T07:13:41.462-07:00You both -- and Eleonore as well -- do so well in ...You both -- and Eleonore as well -- do so well in a second language -- I am so impressed, inspired by, and honestly, more than a bit envious of, your language skills.materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-18086880646050226482018-05-18T07:12:03.597-07:002018-05-18T07:12:03.597-07:00I'm suspicious of the word myself, although I ...I'm suspicious of the word myself, although I think we all have a sense of what it's gesturing toward. (If we were to wander into Cultural/Critical Theory, I find much in Judith Butler that's persuasive).<br />But "authentic" is the word that I've been hearing, and so that's the phenomenon I'm responding to, curious about.<br />This is so true, being at once "more demanding and . . more forgiving. . . more focused and at the same time more relaxed" -- it's interesting, isn't it?!materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-65742086636173974612018-05-18T07:08:59.006-07:002018-05-18T07:08:59.006-07:00My dad had that trait of bluntness, for sure. I th...My dad had that trait of bluntness, for sure. I think I'm more judicious than he was about when there's a need for full-on "honesty" and when the confrontation is either unkind or not worthwhile. <br />I think you put your finger on something when you speak of trust; this is the important component that authenticity or honesty or realness triggers, isn't it? And it's hard to be authentic or honest ourselves when we can't trust whomever we're with. . . And yes, the balancing. . . always!<br />Amelia: I never mind these conversations among readers -- I think they enliven the place ;-)materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-10938551251318718622018-05-18T07:03:25.342-07:002018-05-18T07:03:25.342-07:00Yes, I think it's good to remember that we can...Yes, I think it's good to remember that we can have a range of acquaintances, but it does seem that for our closest friends, at least, "authenticity" or whatever we might call it, becomes more important with age. . . materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-81831002142231459792018-05-18T07:01:20.261-07:002018-05-18T07:01:20.261-07:00That's a happy change, Jeannine, and will prob...That's a happy change, Jeannine, and will probably serve you well over the next decades. materfamiliashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16062766947897513369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-28965232869771173512018-05-17T22:26:50.037-07:002018-05-17T22:26:50.037-07:00Amelia,thank you very much!
It is frustating indee...Amelia,thank you very much!<br />It is frustating indeed,especially in discussions like this,when you like to express subtle thoughts and it end in simple sentences.<br />I must say-I didn't notice at all that you are not native speaker,you English is excellent to me :-)<br />D.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-12142257912583985132018-05-17T16:35:04.765-07:002018-05-17T16:35:04.765-07:00Authentic implies a yes/no judgment, which, as rec...Authentic implies a yes/no judgment, which, as recent life events have taught me, can be so wrong. People respond differently to others depending on context. Perhaps this is just semantics, but maybe something more fluid like seeking out generosity of spirit?bellenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-62046910481923793332018-05-17T15:30:09.037-07:002018-05-17T15:30:09.037-07:00Your mother being a bit too discerning in her frie...Your mother being a bit too discerning in her friendships: I think when I was young that is how I was, but the older I've gotten the less I've been that way. I'm a very much an introvert, but I have more friends at the age of 61 than I ever had in my younger years. I think I've become more open to finding friendships where I can and I've also become more accepting of other people's quirks. I do have very clear boundaries, just as I did as a young person - but I'm a bit more open than I was when young.Jeanninehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08899506698574749866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-53339374846545387772018-05-17T15:27:41.433-07:002018-05-17T15:27:41.433-07:00I've never wanted to waste time on relationshi...I've never wanted to waste time on relationships that were less than authentic, so now that I am 69 it is no different. It does mean that I have fewer friendships than perhaps possible. On the other hand, it doesn't mean that all my friendships are intense. And I am always ready and open to meeting new people and exploring where a friendship can go. It also means that I am willing to let friendships go as circumstances or people change. I hope I am making sense.<br /><br />slfanonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06011845556672752198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-28349033597281109222018-05-17T12:58:35.453-07:002018-05-17T12:58:35.453-07:00Sounds like we're two peas in a podSounds like we're two peas in a podBuffaloGalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01955877675474643525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-49236768182208470852018-05-17T10:51:37.046-07:002018-05-17T10:51:37.046-07:00Hi Wendy, I don't think Mater will appreciate ...Hi Wendy, I don't think Mater will appreciate my cluttering up her comment section, but I can't help but chuckle at your Coco Chanel comment. Very true, come to think of it. Appreciate the humor and the bluntness. Amelia Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-53059467566933336562018-05-17T10:44:40.539-07:002018-05-17T10:44:40.539-07:00Hi Dottoressa, thank you for mentioning the very s...Hi Dottoressa, thank you for mentioning the very slippery ground of trying to find the right expression in another language. So many of my comments never come off as were intended. Worst for me, writing was never my strongest subject in school. The price for not paying attention during English Lab. I enjoy reading your comments! AmeliaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-2308206728853238022018-05-17T09:01:00.810-07:002018-05-17T09:01:00.810-07:00Such a thought provoking post and agree with many ...Such a thought provoking post and agree with many commenters. I too have recently recognized my time as precious. As well as wanting to spend time with family and genuine friends, I think it is important to have the time for oneself so that my "authentic" person can be revealed. <br />When I was working, there did not seem time for that or at least (for me) it was not high up on the list....racing about doing this or that....<br />After re-reading my comment, apologies that it is not better written but I think you will get the gist !<br />Thank you<br />Suz from Vancouver Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-12500286462868717102018-05-17T08:21:52.313-07:002018-05-17T08:21:52.313-07:00Lots to think on here. I've been seeing more a...Lots to think on here. I've been seeing more articles written about the importance of social engagement as part of healthy aging, factoring more than even physical health or finances. My current friendships are minimal, and I'm fine with that, for there is a lot of social engagement in my workplace, even friendship. I know that once I retire I will need to find more social engagement, but I dread finding those people with whom I can be authentic. I find I don't make friends easily and it takes awhile to warm up to true authenticity, or to use another term "kindred spirits." <br />Like you, I'm becoming more aware of the fleeting nature of time. Family relationships are a priority now and in the future, but aside from those, friendship with non-family is, as well. How to make it all work? <br />Sometimes, if I give myself time and an open mind, I find that those people who I've thought lacking authenticity, turn out to become delightful kindred spirits with whom I can be authentic. <br /><br />Looking forward to the next installment, but if you're busy getting ready to leave tomorrow, perhaps that will wait for another day. There's much to think about here. <br />Lorriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03653026442945027184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-28125836840493067642018-05-17T08:15:58.275-07:002018-05-17T08:15:58.275-07:00An interesting word, authenticity. I agree with th...An interesting word, authenticity. I agree with those posters above who used slightly different words like real or honesty.<br /><br />I have had pretty clear boundaries for most of my life and I am good at rejecting people who as Dottoressa says are exhausting. Some people just take all the oxygen in a room. I am aware that friendships must be nurtured and tended like a garden. The older I am, the more aware I am of how precious authentic friendship and companionship is, outside of long term partnerships. I look to my mother who made new friends well into her 80’s while still maintaining old ties. I hope I can do that. Brenda. I am curious about where you will go next!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4904021173466473381.post-65373855756964604952018-05-17T07:23:40.328-07:002018-05-17T07:23:40.328-07:00Another one of your excellent posts and comments a...Another one of your excellent posts and comments as well. All of you were thinking and working very hard while I was sleeping and than I did a lot of reading,nodding and silently approving <br />I am here on a very slippery ground, trying to find the right nuances in a foreign language,so I'll say it simple<br />I am sincere to myself and to the others-it is the easiest way for me to be peaceful and content. I don't lie but I might not say everything to everybody. I do not show different faces to different people (including family-ancestors or offspring-,friends,acquaintances,bussiness contacts,etc....)-althought,of course, there are,and should be,facets shown only to the nearest and dearest. I like to meet and spend time with similar people,but-as Eleonore has said- I am more forgiving than before.<br />Nevertheless,I've learned to avoid people who are exhausting,I need my "me" time and have learned to find it or fight for it<br />On the other side,it could be nice and quite refreshing to spend some time with acquaintances with similar interest,if I wish to. <br />There are still some situations,connected with bussines,when I have to spend some time with different kind of people-I know it and I can bear it. Or,I'll choose not to-to my disadvantage,but I could make the choice.One is more (and less as well) brave with years<br />Looking forward to the second part<br />DottoressaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com