Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Wednesday, Tried for Wordless, Didn't Quite Work Out!

Breaking News!! Within minutes of posting this, sans photos, I seem to have figured out how to download them from the iCloud, on my PC. So here are a few photos of Windows of Rome 
I suspect I've shown you this before, but that was for the bike, right? Wouldn't you like to get a closer look at those windows, though? I know I was drawn to them . . . 




We have some Big Stuff on the horizon.  I'm not quite ready to talk about it here, but it's consuming a bundle of emotional energy and far too often, as it did last night, it's waking me up at 3:30 and keeping me that way for hours. Heart-pounding, muscle-tightening, nerve-flaming minutes among those hours, with no reason that would stand up in the morning light, I know. I do my best to yoga-breathe my way back to calmness, and eventually this morning I relaxed back into sleep just as traffic was getting active on the busy street outside the window.
A restorer of paintings and frames -- the kind of dusty old artisan shop I'd love to be allowed to poke around . . . 

I woke again at 7:30, a sleep-in for me, and it means a total of 7 (broken) hours' slumber last night, not too bad. Enough to power me through the walk to pick my granddaughter up at her preschool and deliver her, by bus, to her mom and near-toddler brother at home. It's delightful task for me that saves my daughter bundling the little guy up for a return-trip bus ride -- when I'm in town, I'm happy to be able to offer this respite occasionally. After I drop her off, I'll be heading home, by Skytrain, bus, big public ferry, 3K walk to small ferry, bike ride . . .
At least, I could push my nose right up to the glass. . . 


Those physical -- even mechanical -- activities are tiring enough, eventually, but they draw from a bank of energy that seems separately supplied from that I'd need to write. I'm dissatisfied with myself for writing too many superficial posts lately, but I can't feel my way to the time or the energy or the discipline needed for more sustained writing. I'm hoping that once I can open up about the Big Stuff (and let me reassure you -- it's positive news, ultimately, but involves a big change; Pater and I are still solid),  my fingers will begin processing astonishingly insightful deep thoughts through the keyboard at hundreds of words per hour. . . .

Meanwhile, would you settle for a peek at some Windows of Rome?
I wrote this yesterday morning, and then when I tried to load the photos I'd intended to include, the iCloud proved completely unco-operative. I gave up, needing to get on with preschooler pick-up, which was an absolute joy, despite the rain trying to make us grumpy (we decided that puddles are always a good thing -- she was biased, wearing green boots with pink bunnies). Too much transit for me, but Pater met me off the big ferry with our commuter boat, so I didn't have to walk to the small ferry. He had dinner all ready at home, and I absolutely crashed almost immediately after. Reader, I was in bed at 7:30 with the lights off, asleep shortly thereafter. And then I didn't wake until 5:30 this morning!
And this window, the sweet little dresses glowing alongside the oh-so-pretty-pink ballet slippers. Can't you just imagine the little girls all dressed up for an evening at the theatre with Nana? Watching The Nutcracker, perhaps?

But again today I'm having problems with platform interface in my various systems, and those window photos are not co-operating. I will post them as soon as I can, but I'm meeting someone in town, for breakfast, at 8:30, and I have a yoga class right afterward. Hoping all that will lift me up a bit because honestly, you remember those little toy airplanes some of us used to get in our Christmas stockings so many decades ago? The ones that you twirled the propeller round and round with your index finger, tightening up the elastic band to create enough torque that, on release, the little plane would soar and then twirl crazily across the room? I think my elastic band needs replacing 'cause I'm having a hard time getting any convincing energy torqued into it. . .  


As I wrote, above, I can't even manage the Window photos right now, but I'll post them as soon as I can. Right now, honestly, my impulse is to erase this post and just lay low until I feel up to blogging again, but I'm not sure when that would be, and I'm a big believer in "Fake it 'til you Make it," or "Just Keep Showing Up."  So, begging your indulgence, this is me, this week. . . .And no worries, it's all good enough and it will pass. . . But for now, also, it is...

37 comments:

  1. I'm going to write down my guess for the "big stuff" and then see if I'm right when you reveal your news. Happy breakfasting and yoga-ing. xx

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    1. Thanks! And I must say the odds are probably not long. . .

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  2. I wish you luck Frances with your big news (I think I've solved the mystery)
    Everything will be just fine. Drink some tea,take a little rest,keep calm and carry on :-)
    Dottoressa

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  3. I understand and can totally relate. Having some Big Stuff on the horizon myself (all good, though does involve our friend, Change) I've also had trouble getting my mind to settle and focus enough to write the way I'd like. I loved the photo of you and your grand-daughter yesterday, so cute and full of joy!

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    1. Thanks, Sue. I did read elsewhere that you have something going on. Change is good, but moving on also often means letting go, and that doesn't always happen easily. I think I'd be better if I could write about it, but not quite ready for that.
      Thanks re the photo -- sometimes Instagram seems to be the answer! ;-)

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  4. Oooh, I too have my intuition about the big change! Don't keep us in suspense Frances! :-)

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  5. Problems with platform interface on your systems...is this a metaphor? I think I have guessed the Big Stuff too. All big things better with a good drink to hand. And change is often just what we need to clear our blocked interfaces.

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    1. Yes, true enough -- but have you noticed how poorly drink and insomnia mix? ;-)

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  6. Sometimes even the contemplation of change drains energy. Good luck!

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    1. This is it, exactly Mme. And there will be so much disruption ahead.... Thank you!

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  7. The Big Stuff will resolve itself - you have it in hand, I am sure. Still, that is no comfort at 0200 when the monkeys take over one's brain.
    The over-stretched elastic is a good image. I recognise that feeling. I find it funny that you refer to your recent posts are superficial, when they are full of observations of your life that strike a chord in so many of us.
    Finally - iCloud, networks, platforms.....I am in awe. Will I grow up and understand those things when I'm retired? Is there hope!?

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    1. Is it okay that I've jumped right to your second paragraph, where I find huge comfort. . . The faint hope that this might be true is what keeps me writing, even when My Inner Critic despairs... thank you!

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  8. It's no less true for being a truism that change is hard. I hope that you're able to get some rest soon and feel energized for not only the big change but also the kind of writing you want to do. In the meantime, I enjoy all of your posts. Your photos of the restoration shop's window have me so intrigued by what else might be in there.

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    1. Thanks, Raquelita! I find it very helpful to remind myself that the reason I'm feeling exhausted is that Change is a challenge. Some, yes, are able to embrace it with ease or at least with enthusiasm, but some of us find it tough, if exciting in theory. Part of me would love a Fast-Forward button... (as for the window, I suspect we'd be very compatible travel companions!)

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  9. Think I have an idea about your news...please don not keep us in suspense!
    Waking in the night is more common than not...for me once I do wake the brain engages...and I do have trouble turning it off!
    Your tech skills are to be admired...perhaps you will tell us how now that you know?
    The tiny airplane is a wonderful image of how we carry our stress...after your Yoga class you'll feel so much better...your personal plane will be parked in the hangar!

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    1. The suspense is necessary for a bit longer. . .
      As for the tech skills, um, can you say "Trial and Error"!? ;-)
      I love my new MacBook Air, but between Apple/iTunes and Google's and Microsoft's proprietary natures, grrr, frustration!

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  10. I have an idea too, Mater! Let's see if we are all right!

    That's so nice that you can help out with pick-up when you are there - I'm sure your daughter appreciates it mightily. Great photos!

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    1. I think she really does appreciate it, and I'm happy to be able to grab those moments. A bus ride with a 3-year-old can be delightful when it's a novelty (as opposed to doing it with a toddler, and a stroller, right before lunch, morning nap having been interrupted. . . )

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  11. I completely understand your impulse to erase the post and just lay low - but I'm glad you put it up. I would imagine your Big Stuff involves several big things all rolled into one. Scary. But since you say it's positive, all will be right. I hope the ferry ride, which always seems romantic to one who rarely rides it, clears your head.
    A dilapidated window from Rome will always look better than a brand new triple glazed window in Vancouver. Lovely photos.

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    1. YES! Several big things all rolled into one -- and I've done them before but at a different stage of life (younger! more energy!) and already know how tough some of them will be. Luckily I also know that eventually the change will pay off, and now I just need to breathe . . .

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  12. How I sympathise with the night time waking and the nerve - flaming minutes as you so accurately describe them. It gets worse with age, I am finding. And does Pater slumber on peacefully, if he's anything like my husband?

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    1. Not much disturbs his sleep, it's true! And yes, it gets worse with age. I remember waking in the wee hours when I was much younger, looking at the clock, smiling at the knowledge that I had 3 or 4 more hours to sleep, and drifting happily back off... ah, bliss, long gone . . . ;-)

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  13. Don't worry about this technology, your words are treat enough. And holding my breath about That News!

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  14. I am so new here that I do not have a clue as to the Big Stuff and as long as it is positive, I will wait patiently for you to share! If it is hurtful, I offer my new friendship and come alongside you! You have already shared your sweet nature with me in this comment section.
    I agree with Pondside about the resonating quality of your posts. "Strike a chord", indeed!
    Charlene H.

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    1. Thanks for your patience, Charlene. I'm not trying to be coy or bait interest, but I have to be discreet about real-life stuff until it's time. My other (longer term) readers are likely putting together things I've said before, and I suspect they're guessing effectively, but I won't say more until it's okay with everyone here. So kind of you to offer support and kind words.

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  15. We have touched on the big stuff I think Frances, but waiting with baited breath for the denouement. And I do sympathise about the sleep issues but hope it will all be worthwhile.

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    1. Thanks, Marianne, and I think you're right. Honestly, I'll probably sleep better once it's out there.

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  16. I have an idea what the Big Stuff might be about. And if I am right, I absolutely smpathize with you. In fact, in your shoes, I'd just panick!
    Waking up without being able to go back to sleep is so terrible! Although I find that it does help to know there is no alarm going off at six in the morning. (I hope that is the case with you!)

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    1. Yes! Panic is right, even though the decision has been made with all the due process necessary, and we know it's the right one. . . And you're right -- it's not quite as bad to be awake through the night when there's nowhere you absolutely have to be at 8:30 . . .

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  17. Big Changes take a lot of energy. We are still in the in-between world -- deciding to work another year (somewhat reluctantly on my part) and looking forward to a second daughter-in-law sometime in the near future. This is a young couple faced with challenges since she has a genetic predisposition to breast and ovarian cancer (known at age 21)so they face many big decisions as they move forward. We plan to stay near to help then even though our previous plan was to move west. We never know what life will bring and sometimes all we can do is take a deep breath and focus on what is doable.
    Lynn

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    1. The in-between world -- that liminal space I've written so much about before -- I find this toughest in so many ways, and although I've at least moved from work to retirement, there are a few more thresholds to cross yet -- Big Changes, as you say. That's some challenging but exciting territory you're moving through in the next while, and although you're shifting your earlier plan, there is fortune in having the flexibility to support your young people. Our situation is a bit different, but we are also building around our next generation's lives in ways we didn't really anticipate. Deep breaths and focus on the doable -- good advice!

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  18. Sounds like exciting but possibly stressful times to come. I'm looking forward to hearing your news when you're able to share it. Until then I hope whatever changes are ahead, that they bring you lots of happiness.
    Take care ... I hope you're managing some relaxing time and that you're soon able to sleep, undisturbed.
    Have a good weekend.
    Rosie

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  19. I can certainly relate. Unless you are in an awful situation change involves some sadness as you leave a situation behind. I'm still trying to decide to retire from my job; the house decision is huge as well, so I too am often awake at 3 am. I hope your changes involve lots of positives to make it worthwhile.

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  20. Changes take a lot of energy; even small changes sometimes. I'm coming at this backwards, which is strange, and limits what I wish to say in odd ways. How was I away so long. Take care.

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I'd love to hear your response to my post. Agree, disagree, even go off on a tangent, I love to know you're out there, readers. Let's chat, shall we? I apologize, though, for the temporary necessity of the Word Verification -- spam comments have been tiresomely numerous lately, and I'm hoping to break that pattern.

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